More Than A Mama by Chhavi Mittal: Free Read | Chapter 1

Being a Mother: When is the Right Time?

Being a mother is the greatest feeling in the world. However, before a woman becomes a mother, she must consider many things. Is she ready to take on the responsibility of another life? Is she physically fit to do that? Is she mentally prepared for the toughest job in the world? As baffling as these questions sound, I was undaunted by them. It was not because I was extremely brave, it was simply because I had no idea that these things needed to be considered!
To me, the choices were pretty simple:
1. Do we want a baby?
2. Or do we not?
As newlyweds, my husband Mohit and I chose the second option. We decided that we were really happy with what we had and did not want to pressurize ourselves or change anything about the way we lived. After all, who wants to let go of the more important things in life like being free, living for oneself, having the luxury of wanting to wake up in Goa one day and be able to drive down at 2.00 a.m.? We did not want to lose simple pleasures like playing loud music in the house and hosting parties that could last till beyond sunrise, where we could invite friends over for dinner and serve breakfast as well! Yet, seven years later, still in love with each other and the crazy lifestyle that we had, we toyed with the two options once again. I remember it was because I met a friend for lunch who told me that there is nothing more fulfilling than having a child. He painted a picture that looked so rosy and enticing. ‘Chhavi,’ he said, ‘no matter what you achieve in life, the happiness that a child hugging you brings to you when you reach home after a tough day is nothing compared to all the riches of the world.’ That was it. I kept thinking about those words and imagining myself as a mother. I could hardly imagine being able to start a new chapter in my life; albeit an exciting one that could bring me so much fulfilment. For days, I kept picturing myself as a mom. I saw myself holding a little baby in my arms, sitting on a park bench, my hair flying gently in the breeze, and Mohit standing a little away, clicking a picture that captured the beautiful, dreamy moment. One fine day, I mustered up the courage to tell Mohit that I wanted to be a mother if he would like to be a father. I will never forget the words that came out of his mouth. ‘I’ve been waiting for you to say this for over a year now.’ And just like that, this time, we chose the first option. On our seventh anniversary, we found out that we were pregnant with our first baby!
Suddenly, the life that I had been living for the past few years felt like a waste. I couldn’t remember why we took so long to take this decision. It couldn’t have been the parties or the erratic working hours because we still had those. It couldn’t have been the urge to go for mini vacations because we continued those as well. The reason we took so long to take the decision to start a family, I realized, was that we were simply not ready then. Choosing the right time to start my journey as a mother was one of the biggest reasons why my pregnancy was such a happy one.
In my opinion, the only reason to have a baby should be that you feel ready as a couple. It should not be just because it is the obvious next step or because it is the right thing to do. It should not be because ‘Payal and Sameer had a baby and so should we!’ It is not a race to see who comes first and who gets left behind. It should not be because the biological clock is ticking. It should definitely not be a reaction to the pressure put on couples by relatives saying, ‘Khush khabri kab suna rahe ho (When are you giving us the good news)?’ or obligations towards ailing parents, blackmailing you emotionally saying, ‘Marne se pehle pote ka munh dikha de (Let me see my grandchild’s face before I die)!’ Such statements by relatives are nothing more than typical conversation topics for most of them, something as banal as a ‘How are you?’ or ‘How’s life?’. The ‘ailing’ parents, in all probability, are perfectly hale and hearty, but they say such things because other people, especially in old Hindi movies, say so. Let’s face it, such statements are pretty darn melodramatic and how can anyone pass up the opportunity to say all of that? In fact, when we got pregnant the first time, my father-in-law shed happy tears when we broke the news. He confided in us that he had started to believe that we had medical issues and had gone to the extent of asking for a mannat for divine intervention, even though he is quite an agnostic! Such was his desire to become a grandfather. Thank goodness we did not succumb to any of those pressures, because raising a child should solely be the decision of the couple that is going to commit to being parents for the rest of their lives. Succumbing to those pressures would have meant having a child at the wrong time.
Although you feel physically and mentally ready, there may be other reasons that hinder you from going down this road. One of the biggest reasons is job unpredictability or financial instability. Often, we tend to plan for the future and forget to live in the present. I was no different. In a lot of ways, I am still that way. I find myself deriving more happiness from the perfectly created schedule for the upcoming week than the perfectly executed present day. Many believe that it is only fair to have a solid plan in place for unborn children before you even start thinking about having them. Such a plan could be different for different people. It could comprise a comfortable house, with a yard for the child to play in, a decent school in the vicinity, a car to drive the child to school and back or, at the very least, a school bus service that operates between home and the school. A stable source of income to pay the high fees that schools demand these days is also important for many. One also has to take into consideration the increasing cost of baby essentials—cots, playpens, perambulators, walkers, toys, tricycles, bicycles, etc.—and the fact that babies grow up surprisingly fast! Another reason, which should actually be the topmost but is very often forgotten, is the time at hand. Having a baby means you need to have time. Time to take the child to the park, time to teach him or her how to walk and how to sleep, sit, stand, run, eat, drink from a bottle, drink from a cup, talk, brush his teeth, cycle, swim, play football, basketball, badminton, table tennis or whatever else you fancy. Dancing, painting or singing can be left to extracurricular classes that you can enrol the child in,
but that too requires money. Time and money are also needed for vacations because, unfortunately, schools have summer holidays (which offices don’t) and these holidays make children impatient. Then there’s also the competition among kids as to who went to the best destination during their vacations and who got the best vacation gifts.
Well, to be honest, I realized all of these things only after I had the baby. I still remember going for the first birthday party with my daughter. (Oh yes, there’s a plethora of these and they require you to maintain a completely different kind of decorum, which I’m still learning. I am positive that I will master this someday.) At the party, I spoke with fellow first-time mothers of six-month-olds, discussing school admissions for their kids. This was a completely different world for me! I had a knot in my stomach when I realized that I was too late to get my child admitted to a good school because, apparently, these forms should have been filled when I had been pregnant! What had I been doing then?
I had been busy enjoying my dreamy pregnancy, which, now I realize, is something that all those mothers had forgotten to do because they had been busy making plans—plans for the future, financial plans, education plans, buying-a-house plans, shifting-to-a-better job plans, plans for playschools, primary schools, higher education, marriage, grandchildren, the list goes on. And even though they spent so much time planning, they still had kids quite early in their marriage. I could only imagine how soon into their marriage they must have started to plan.
As lost as I felt at that time, here’s what I think. In my opinion, the right time for family planning does not depend on future planning as much as it depends on being mentally and physically ready. As the popular quote by Allen Saunders goes: ‘Life is what happens to us while we are busy making other plans.’ Although I had always been a planner, after becoming a mother, I started making only those plans that helped me live in the moment. While I realized that I had missed doing so many bigger things that other well-equipped parents had done, like school admission, investments, having a bigger and nicer house, and many smaller things, like setting up a nursery in preparation for the little one’s arrival, I also realized that I was thoroughly enjoying each and every moment of Areeza growing up. I wasn’t bothered about what was the right age for her to teethe, or to start walking, talking, self-feeding, let alone things like what is the right age to go to school, which school, which school board, etc. I grew up as Areeza grew up. I learnt everything at her pace. I did everything at the right time. No wonder then that I enjoyed my first pregnancy like a queen.
Before I got pregnant, I had signed a TV show as the leading lady on the number one network in the country at the time. I did not plan for it but found myself opting out because I had that choice. Instead, I started going for long, relaxing walks, many of which were in the comfort of malls. I joined a yoga class for pregnant mothers. I joined a prenatal Lamaze class. I was pampered by everyone I knew, and I knew a lot of people (all those parties that I had hosted into the wee hours of the morning had not been for naught). It was a pregnancy that one can only dream of. There were no complications, I looked lovely, I felt amazing and I was on my way to becoming a mother! As a bonus, my hair grew at the speed at which Rapunzel’s must have grown. What more could I ask for? I had absolutely no complaints whatsoever. After all, this was the first time in seven years that I had free time. And I was still not planning for the future. The mere fact that I wasn’t aware of any of the responsibilities that lay ahead made me practically float at all times, feeling like a blessed angel. From somebody who was used to working 40 days a month to somebody who did not know what to do with her time, it was a huge change, though a welcome one.
The pregnancy was like lying down on a beautiful float in a giant pool and sunbathing. However, when the baby was born, it was almost like being pushed into the deep end. I realized why some of the best swimmers learnt swimming when they were pushed into the deep end. I quickly equipped myself with all the things I needed to be a hands-on mother. Once I had Areeza, I found myself slowly but surely considering each of the things that I would hear mothers talk about at birthday parties. I learnt one stroke at a time while also enjoying the swim. I did not plan how I would learn the next stroke until I mastered the one at hand. I did not pressure myself at any point. I gave myself time and allowed myself to fail because failure is the
first step to success. When the right time came, I found myself investing towards a better future while also house hunting. I found myself setting a routine for little Areeza and teaching her all the things that I felt she was ready to learn at each stage. When the right time came, I found the school best suited for her needs and my convenience, and I also found myself buying that family car.
My most important learning from all these things was how to live my life in the present, not the future. I found myself becoming a sensible, mature person, who stopped being frivolous and started realizing the importance of other aspects of life. By other aspects, I do not mean finances or material things, but things like peace and contentment. I learnt that when you become a parent, you include a third person in your life, who is, henceforth, going to be a part of your life—a part of each of your smiles and sorrows. This person should be happy no matter what kind of house you live in, what mode of transportation you use, what school she goes to or what her family outings look like, as long as they are with both her parents and maybe her grandparents. This child is going to grow up one day at a time and will learn skills that will help her survive in the real world. This child will move houses with you, and even move cities or countries with you if your job or heart demands it. How then can planning things like finances and jobs become crucial in making that decision to start a family?
While I understand that every parent wants to give the best to their child, I also understand that as a mother, my job is just to gently guide my child into being able to take care of herself. And I could only do this if I decided to have a baby on my own terms, as per my time, when I felt ready, both physically as well as mentally. No amount of future planning could have saved me had I decided to get pregnant even a year before I was ready. I still sometimes think about the things that could have gone wrong in my life had I got pregnant earlier. I had the extra space and money (because I did have those things) and I was a certain number of years into my marriage.
Frustration? Unhappiness? Pressures for which I may not have been ready? What if I found myself succumbing to the pressure of having a second child because the first one was lonely?
This brings me to my next point. When exactly is the right time to have a second child? If you still haven’t figured out the answer to this question, you might want to go back and read this entire chapter from the beginning. The reasons are exactly the same. While I completely agree that a sibling is important for a child, that does not mean that having a second child is mandatory! As humans, we learn how to survive and thrive in any situation. Children are the most adaptable.
A child will learn to be the only child as beautifully as he or she will adapt to being a sibling. I hear parents say that because they grew up with siblings and now have a unique support system, they would like to do the same for their kid as well. I also see many siblings grow up not seeing eye to eye for a multitude of reasons, causing immense mental and emotional stress to each other and the people around them. I even see exemplary siblings who can make an only child forever envious that they do not have a sibling. What I believe is, how you turn out to be, how you shape your life, how you grow up to be, or how lonely, gregarious, sanguine, cheerful, morose or melancholy you are depends on various factors, and having a sibling or not while growing up is just a small part of it. I grew up with two elder siblings but was a lonely child because of the huge age difference between me and them and because of them being closer in age to each other. Have you ever seen a little child crying and throwing a fit to go to a birthday party with their older sibling and the latter getting all annoyed because they cannot have ‘mom’s spy’ accompany them to the party? Well, that little sibling was always me! At the same time, have you experienced being so protected by your older sibling that you were never scared of being bullied or getting into a fight because you knew that the older one will come and get you out before you even bat an eyelid? Well, that too was me. So, basically, having a second child or not is obviously not dependent on the first child. It purely depends on if and when you are ready as a parent. The decision to have a second child is so well defined for some parents that they save the first child’s things—like the cot, walker, potty seat, changing table, etc.—in preparation for the next one’s arrival. Having a second child was so out of the question for me that I had given away every single belonging of Areeza’s that she didn’t need. I did not plan for the future and lived in the present. I did have to buy everything all over again when I decided to have Arham, though, which I by no means regret, even though it got me a lot of flak from
my husband. The day I shared my thoughts of having a second child with him, Mohit’s first reaction was, ‘Why did we sell the cot for four thousand bucks then?’ It is important for both parents to be absolutely, one hundred per cent ready to have a second child. The conversations that I had with Mohit about whether or not to extend the family made me realize his fears as a father.
His biggest worry was that he would never be able to love another human being as much as he loved Areeza. He felt he did not want to be unfair to a little child. This is a very real and practical fear that a parent may have, but in my opinion, it is also something that is not real to a large extent. The decision to have a second baby is only the beginning. The real journey begins when you get pregnant. Watching me pregnant, carrying the baby, watching Areeza bonding with the baby in my belly and taking care of us made Mohit a part of the pregnancy journey. Without a doubt, Mohit’s emotions came to the fore the second he held our son in his arms.
My second pregnancy was very different from my first. If I lived through the first one like a queen, I lived through the second one like an empress. By then, I was running a company. While I had the choice to take a back seat, I found myself taking the driver’s seat instead. In fact, I started a second company and two new YouTube channels. I devoted all my time and energies to my work and my firstborn. I knew from experience that the best can be experienced only by living for today and not planning for tomorrow. So, I continued to look after the baby in my womb, the child outside of it, and my own health and fitness; I did not worry about how time and other things would be managed once the little one arrived. I did realize, though, that now was the time to kick things up a notch. I started discovering and honing the skills that had been dormant within me. I surprised myself with my organizational skills. I became Chhavi Mittal Version 2.0. Once again, I was reminded of the importance of having a baby at the right time and for the right reasons.
Many mothers ask me if the age gap of six years between my two kids is ideal, and if having a lesser gap would have been better. I can’t comment on what works for other couples, but I do know that this age gap is perfect for my family. Besides, an age gap is just a number. No
relationship between two siblings has ever depended on this. With a different number, it may work differently, but whether it is good or bad is really dependant on other factors, like upbringing, the mother’s state of mind, family atmosphere, diet, challenges, camaraderie between the siblings, etc. Hence, what is important is figuring out the number that is best for you and your situation, and not deciding based on somebody else’s experience.
And if, for whatever reason, you change your mind and decide against having a second child, you can be happy with your decision even if you saved the cot and the pram for four years!
Will I think of having a third child? Well, only time can tell. Once again, I am not going to plan so far ahead for something that may or may not be a possibility. For now, when I bring it up with Mohit, he looks at me as though he wants his money back! ‘It’s very good that you want to have another baby. Why don’t you first find another husband?’ he says if I even joke about it! Having a baby is in no way the right decision if both parents are not on the same page, and hence, right now is not the right time for us. If and when we do decide to extend the family further, we will consider the same factors that we considered when I had both my children.
My two pregnancies changed me and my outlook in a big way. It was after I became a mother that I shifted gears from being an actor, who was stuck doing roles that other people thought I could do justice to, to becoming an entrepreneur, creating a roadmap for many others to follow. I discovered my own voice; I had clear ideas and concepts; I even had the courage to say no to things I didn’t want to do. I found that by managing my time well, I could devote time to myself, my family, my work, new projects, recreation, socializing, eating and, most importantly, fitness—all with equal elan. I will discuss fitness in depth in the later chapters. But, for now, let’s
rewind a little to my first pregnancy and tackle some of the common myths I encountered.